Why is it that we punish complementing ourselves, and welcome self deprecating? And I’m not talking about having self awareness of areas we need to work on, I’m talking blatant shit talking about ourselves and putting ourselves down.
It seems when we celebrate our wins, complement ourselves, or sometimes even just be ourselves, there are always people who project their own inner view and insecurities onto you, to make you feel bad.
No wonder we have so many insecurities and are afraid to talk positively about ourselves! To try to avoid the negative comments from others, we avoid celebrating ourselves openly altogether. To feel accepted, we then start to acknowledge our “flaws” and begin self deprecating. We then feed off of that acceptance and become this version of what we think others want us to be.
I understand this feeling personally all too well... At a certain point I felt like I had nothing nice to say about myself or know who I really was, because I was so caught up in self deprecating to feel accepted. It was once I started to get more interested in self development, and doing much needed inner work, that I realized a lot of this. Once I started to sort out those pieces, I had spiraled "Ah Ha!" moments, kind of like when you keep finding piece after piece that fit together in a puzzle.
It was like a list of these realizations firing off in my head one at a time
Struggled to say anything nice about myself, or acknowledge accomplishments
Felt it was because people would try to put me down
Realizing that the "people" I was thinking of when saying that were all really insecure people in my life that I don't speak to anymore
Realized these wins or positive things I would say, were areas they were insecure about themselves - hence, projecting
Decided to dig into all the times I may have thought projecting thoughts, and figuring out what exactly was underlying that thought
Going back to the root of me having these thoughts, and when it all started
Realizing this may have all been a defense mechanism, so I could avoid the negative backlash myself aka - the start of this pattern of wanting to feel accepted...
If you take the time to question certain things like why you may or may not do something, it could help reveal a lot and even help you recognize that it's just not worth taking anything people say personally...because it's just a projection of their own inner shit their dealing with.
You are amazing, just the way you are. And that is worth celebrating.
An exercise to stop projecting
If for whatever reason, someone saying something positive about themselves, or accomplishing something irritates you, maybe you should question why that is. What is it exactly that irritated you? Is it because you want what it is they’re accomplishing or complementing about themselves? Are you jealous that they like something about themselves? Are you jealous that they have the confidence to complement themselves openly? Do you feel under appreciated? Whatever it is, just recognize that it all has to do with YOU, and nothing to do with them. So instead of projecting whatever inner “thing” you’re dealing with onto them, maybe take some time to work on you. Everyone has shit their dealing with, insecurities, struggles, fears, whatever... bringing others down isn't going to be beneficial for anyone involved. Maybe you'll even realize you're just projecting to keep certain walls up from your own past traumas, and fear letting anyone in to know the real you. Whatever reason it may be, just be more conscious of what it is you need to work on, and focus inward and on fully accepting and loving yourself.
We all have things in our lives to be grateful for and appreciative of. I think it's time we start encouraging we celebrate that more for ourselves, and for others.